Today I received a gift. It’s a book called Ready, Set, Remember, published in 1978. I kid you not when I say that it teaches you multiplication in the following manner:
To determine what 4×6 is, rather than adding together four groups of six, you simply remember that “Rye(x)SHoe=NeRo.” As you can see, with this simple system, one can easily determine that the answer is 24. It may help to envision NeRo in a toga while playing the violin.

This book is now available to the general public, completely free of charge. You’ll find it sitting on or near the Franktuary bookshelf. Think of all the things you’ve forgotten without it! Franktuary –making downtown Pittsburgh better one book at a time.

Someday, when I write my book, The Vegetarian Epidemic, it will include a chapter entitled “Margarine of Error.”

Despite the working title, I have no “beef” with vegetarians (in their presence I prefer tofu). In fact, I think I understand where they’re coming from quite well. How can this be? Well, you’ll just have to read the book and find out. It will be positively groundbreaking. Look for it in stores sometime next decade.

In the meantime, read this (over and over and over again).

I once created a fictional character, known as Ribo Flavin (Reebo FlavEEn). There are no accents for me to use in this blog so I can not spell Ribo’s name correctly. I have an alternate voice mail on my cell phone where I play Ribo as he tells you about hasenfeffer and eggs.

Just yesterday I accidentally said “decaf coffee” as “decof caffee.” At that moment Deeqof Khafi, another fictional character was born.

One day I would like to write a book about those two and the adventures they have had together. Until that day comes, feel free to submit story suggestions relating to the life and times of Ribo and Deeqof via this blog.

Lately, there’s been a lot of talk about the final Harry Potter book, which will probably be released this summer. “Who is it that dies?” That’s the question posted on fan blogs the world over. Apparently, J.K. Rowling has divulged that at least one central character suffers an unfortunate ending at some point in the course of the seventh volume’s presumed multitude of pages.

Is it Hermione? Is it Ron?? Is it Harry??? Well, consider this… what if it’s you!

Rumors have long since circulated that Ms. Rowling traded her soul for the ability to write such compelling books. Some folks go as far as to claim, with absolute assuredness, that the Harry Potter series comes straight from the pit of hell itself. I happen to disagree, but what if these people are right. Who’s to say that J.K. Rowling herself isn’t a witch gone bad. Perhaps she’s an alumnus of Hogwarts’ who now works for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Perhaps she’s bent on destroying innocent muggles the world over. Perhaps Ms. Rowling’s not-so-little “fictional” children’s series is, in truth, the perfect trap.

Perhaps anyone who finishes the entire Harry Potter series dies just as soon as they read the final page of book seven. Given this alarming proposition, one might want to wait a week before picking up the latest book once it does come out. There could be side effects.

When, in a fit of excitement, one throws his elbow out while watching sports on television. (Not that I have any idea what that would feel like.)

Anyway, today someone from the City Paper dropped off a book for our restaurant called “One.” Apparently, thanks to the use of “technologies never before available,” the four Gospels of Jesus are now one “verbatim consolidated text.” Copies are available for “Christians and non-Christians,” meaning with or without “divine events.” As if reading an account of a “divine event” requires belief in it.

I hope I’m not someone who often rushes to judgment, but I’m forced to ask questions in this particular instance. Questions such as:

1) Exactly what “technologies” have been discovered that makes this “must read” concept something that was impossible to create until now?
2) How can something sold in two different versions be “verbatim”?
3) And most importantly, why is the City Paper giving me a free book?

Deep questions. Embarrassing moments. What more could you want from a hot dog-centric blog?

What a day, people, WHAT a day. Non-stop I tell you.

A few new books have been added to the Franktuary coffee table.

1) The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck – a must read, doubles as a “Where’s Waldo” type book
2) The Stella Awards – a book about frivolous law suits
3) Eat the Rich – just trust me and read it

Money Secrets, by Dave Barry, may be arriving soon.

Reading any or all of these works has been known to create the impression of a shorter passage of time between ordering and being served food. Just keep them in the store!

Since it has become popular for the press to name celebrity couplings with a single fused label, such as “Brangelina” or “Bennifer,” I have decided that it is time for celibrities to answer in kind. They should do this by naming their own children the exact label the press has given them.

Since celibrities like to choose out-of-the-box names for their children anyway, I don’t think they’d be opposed to this concept. If a certain celebrity duo were to have more than one baby, the proud parents could simply inverse the name they gave their first child. For example, “Angerad” or “Jenjamin.”

After that, each additional child should be named using the already existing names on an alternating basis with a roman numeral suffix attached (Brangelina II, Jenjamin II, Brangelina III, Jenjamin III etc.).

And one day, if little Brangelina VII and Bennifer IX were to get married, they’d have the opportunity to produce twins- BranniferVX and BengelinaIIX!

PS: I’ve heard a rumor that Harry Potter, Book VII, will be released on 07.07.07.

Today I’m here to tell you about a very interesting website, www.bookcrossing.com. The site is used by a network of people who enjoy reading books.

Users can register a specific copy of a book on the site so that it is given a unique tracking number. When a bookcrossing member is done reading said book he “releases it into the wild.”

Someone happened to leave a bookcrossing book in Hot D***a, and now I’m reading it. It’s called “The Ha-Ha.” You’ll just have to check the site to see where I release it when I’m done.

Right now there are approximately 20 books released in the Pittsburgh area. I’ve noticed that in Toronto there are over 1000. I hope to visit Toronto in July. Wouldn’t it be something if I succeeded in moving most of that city’s collection here? You can hold a lot of books in a minivan, you know.

I’ve always wanted to write that. I hope someone out there in the MIDWEST reads this. I’m also hoping to count how many times I sneeze in 2006. You can count along with this blog! Look for an ever increasing number at the end of some of these entries.

Last night, I was at something called a “cell group.” I’ve never figured out why it’s called a “cell group.” Really, it has absolutely nothing to do with terrorism or prison, I swear. It’s a group of people from my church who meet on a weekly basis. There are actually cell groups all over Pittsburgh. Who knew!?!?

Anyway, the topic of Wicca came up, and I recalled a Wiccan with whom I went to high school. She actually went to elementary school with me too. She was a nice girl, although I regret to inform you that the rest of my grade-school class, myself included, was often not very nice to her. In high school, when she became a Wiccan, she carried around a spell book.

Until last night, I hadn’t thought about that girl or her spell book for years. I used to always wonder if she wrote anything about me in it. I should have inquired. I should have struck up a conversation, but I never did. Now I have no idea what became of this girl, but as far as I know I’m not under any spells.

Then again maybe she really liked me and she’s the reason I can seemingly eat frankfurters as if they’re made of Ultra Slim-Fast. Then again, maybe she’s the reason I’m still single. I’ll never know. 4.

I’m reading a book right now, “The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck.”

Alright, you got me, it’s a graphic novel.

Okay, fine, it’s a comic book. I’m reading a big fat Disney comic book right now. Nonetheless, it’s quite insightful. Scrooge McDuck is a role model of mine, for sure. And not just because he became a most successful entrepreneur.

Anyway this BOOK I’m speaking of was published in Timonium, Maryland. It just so happens that I once saw the players of the Timonium Dinner Theater perform “Camelot.” My salad was as much soup as it was salad, and the acting was not good. Nonetheless, friends, that is not my point.

The fact is that I once saw a performance of “Camelot” in Timonium, Maryland. Now I’m reading a book published in Timonium, Maryland that just happens to mention “Camelot” in the first 15 pages. Pretty strange, eh? Those people down there have an obsession. The entire town should make a road trip to Hot D***a to help take “Camelot” off their minds.