We are thrilled to make our first neighborhood lunch visit! Find us THIS FRIDAY, somewhere on Jane Street between 25th and 27th. Please help spread the word to friends and co-workers!

Franktuary Mobile
Friday, 16 July
12 to 1:30 pm

Organic locally farmed grass-fed beef Frankfurter – small – $3.50
Organic locally farmed grass-fed beef Frankfurter – large – $5.50
Organic locally farmed grass-fed beef Sliders – 2 for $5.50

Carrot Dog – marinated grilled carrot! – $3
Veggie Dog – $3.50

French Fries – $3
Fried Dill Pickle Chips – $3

Sodas, Bottled Water – $2

We prefer cash but can take credit cards via Square and our iPad!

If you don’t see the truck, check out our Twitter feed – we’ll be live updating! www.twitter.com/franktuary

www.franktuary.com

What do you get when you take talented vocalists, force them to sing played-out rock and roll, and proceed to kill what little the music has going for it by surrounding it with an insipid love story? The horrendous new musical Rock of Ages, of course!

Trust me folks, unless you’re a monster fan of bands like White Snake this is one Broadway experience you want to skip. Fortunately, I attended gratis. Traveling to the Great White Way with comp tickets for this show is a bit like being given a Locavore at Franktuary only to discover that said sausage is covered in ketchup. Really, the comparisons are uncanny.

In the case of both Broadway and Franktuary you have to go out of your way to reach your destination. You venture into a neighborhood known for being difficult to find street parking. You deal with this inconvenience and risk a ticket because the venue makes it worth your while.

Frankfurters, similar to musicals, vary immensely in quality and taste. Ketchup in and of itself, much like an 80s hair band, is not necessarily a bad thing. Used sparingly it can even be enjoyable. Yet virtually everyone knows that a frankfurter, regardless of its quality, should never be paired with ketchup. Just ask the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council. Somehow the end result sinks beneath the combination’s lowest common denominator.

The only time it might be appropriate to employ ketchup is when you need to mask the taste of a really bad hot dog. Then again, if it’s that bad your best bet is simply to abstain. While you may not want to offend the cook and his crew of competent servers, certain foods are better left untouched. Well folks, the mind behind Rock of Ages really has cooked up something that bad.

You know what, though? Some people just love ketchup, no matter what. Others really dig Twisted Sister. In either case there’s a good chance such a predilection is due to a strange and powerful addiction. Nonetheless, these people have every right to listen to and eat what they please. They may be crazy but they’re not hurting anyone!

In conclusion, people everywhere should spend more time exploring rare and exotic mustards as well as listening to unique and intelligent rock and roll (take my business partner’s band, for example). And someone should pay me to write the plot of a Broadway musical. If these things happen the world will be a better place.

But hey, if you want sugared tomato paste on your musical and an order of Poison with that next frankfurter, I won’t stop you!

It’s been one of those days, you know? Earlier I caught someone trying to steal from my store and just now I’ve come home to find a hefty parking ticket on the windshield of my car, which is parked, as it has been for over a year, in front of my apartment. Hopefully all the bad stuff is getting itself out of the way early in the week.

Yesterday, however, was a different story. Yesterday I went hiking and it was great. It’s as if I’m on a pendulum, swinging back and forth. As long as I don’t fall off I should be in good shape!

Just yesterday I saw a ticket tucked under a windshield wiper that sat slightly askew. This sight prompted me to wonder what might happen if one removed the windshield wipers from one’s car each and every time one parked at a metered space.

Perhaps the folks we affectionately refer to as meter maids would feel compelled to wedge a ticket into a door handle, grill, or other unconventional space on an offending, but wiperless, vehicle. Let’s suppose for a moment that this is exactly what would occur. Is it fair to assume that a driver should know to look for a ticket someplace other than his windshield? I think not.

Perhaps when explaining himself to a judge the accused driver should also point out that had he left his wipers on his car in the first place, thereby avoiding all the confusion, he would have been forced to leave the headlights of his vehicle on while it was parked. If he wanted to avoid a dead battery the removal of his windshield wipers was not only prudent, but necessary. After all, it’s the law.

This morning I drove my roommate to the municipal courts building so he could protest a $90 parking ticket he got one day while he was working on the Southside.

While taking to the judge it came up that he was in seminary.

Ticket gone! Amazing!

If only it worked that way for the small business owner…

A customer of mine happens to resemble a full-grown garden gnome. I’ve mentioned him before; his name is John F. Hall and he’s homeless. He’s quite crazy, literally, but he’s also one of the most generous people I’ve ever run across. From his perspective he’s come into a bit of money lately as he’s recently regained his stolen identity and is now receiving a social security check.

For months now he’s been buying packages of buns to feed the “dipsy-doodles,” or birds as you and I might call them. “That’s pretty great,” you might be thinking, “but c’mon, Tim, lots of dirty homeless people like to be one with the pigeons.”

Well, that may be the case, but John also routinely buys food for children and other street people. Lately, though, he’s outdone himself. He’s taken to purchasing rolls of quarters and feeding all the parking meters outside my store so that no one gets a parking ticket. He does this despite the fact that he’s never owned a car of his own in his life.

I have no doubt that some of the cars John spares from an unwanted windshield garnish belong to the very same folks that are disgusted by his appearance and want him to be somewhere –anywhere– far away from them.

I also have no doubt that every person I’ve ever met would benefit from taking the time to get to know someone like John.

Behave yourself.

This afternoon a slightly disheveled gentleman exhanged five dollars in change, mostly quarters, for a $5 bill. We at Hot D***a can always use quarters because the parking meters outside our store only accept the little buggers. One quarter gets you a bountiful 7.5 minutes of legal parking. Needless to say quarters are in high demand downtown.

Furthermore, most retail establishments downtown refuse to trade their quarters for $1 bills. They also tend not to let people with shoddy outward appearances into their venue for any reason. Of course, no one has ever claimed Hot D***a to be typical. So, as you might guess, we do even currency exchanges with anyone who requests such a transaction, whenever possible.

It’s an urban ecosystem in action! The wealthy people of Pittsburgh give the homeless downtowners their spare change. The spare change comes to Hot D***a in exchange for a larger bill. The wealthy people realize they need to park, but have no change. They come into Hot D***a and exchange a larger bill for a combination of smaller notes and four quarters. Some of those four quarters are quite possibly the very same quarters they dropped in a cup the last time they were downtown.

Logically, then, Hot D***a is the economic linchpin of downtown Pittsburgh, and arguably the very hub around which the wheel of commerce in western Pennsylvania revolves. 135.:)

Oh friends, these are busy, busy times.

Nonetheless, here’s a quick thought for you. Perhaps you can join me in this effort.

I would like to create a bunch of “tickets” associated with a fine of $15. I would like these “tickets” to instruct the recipient to write a $15 check, payable to me. I would like to have said “tickets” in my car at all times. Whenever I see a city of Pittsburgh parking enforcement vehicle I would like to place one of my “tickets” on its windshield. Wouldn’t that be a fun game to play?

Part three of that story I’ve been doling out in audio format on Wednesdays is on hold, at least for this week. 64.

Some people might choose to describe the city of Pittsburgh’s government as akin to a vehicle that is stuck in park. Today, because I’m frustrated, I’m going to give you a very personal example of how the city we call home continues to shoot itself in the foot.

This morning I had to do some shopping for my restaurant and, because there was no parking available anywhere near my store, I pulled onto the sidewalk (in front of a VACANT building’s loading docks) across the street. That way I wasn’t obstructing any traffic on Oliver Avenue. I put my flashers on and had my car there for less than a total of five minutes. In that time I made three separate trips to my vehicle.

When I returned to drive away I was greeted by a meter maid who was writing me a ticket for $55.50. After speaking for several minutes she agreed that there was pretty much nothing else I could have practically done, and acknowledged that her employer, the City of Pittsburgh, has a knack for being remarkably short-sighted. Nonetheless, she also claimed there was nothing she was able to do.

Sometimes I wonder exactly how it is that certain folks who work for the city must think…

Yes! Let’s penalize small business owners by making it as difficult as we possibly can to let them do their jobs! Double-taxation isn’t enough, we need to financially oppress them through any means possible! Why would we possibly want to encourage development and sustainable enterprise downtown, when we can simply fine individuals who are trying to see a vibrant downtown come to fruition and collect money we’ll inevitably misspend now? Brilliant!

That seems to be how this city thinks, anyway. Did I mention that said vacant building happens to be the very same building that the city just decided to “lend” its former nationally-known tenant $20 million to occupy? Did I mention part of the “deal” was that should said former tenant choose to close it’s doors within five years of opening it wouldn’t have to pay back any of its $20 million “loan”? Can you guess what happened?

Well, at least it’s good to know that when the city takes my money I can rest assured it will be well spent. I mean, who wouldn’t feel good about the government taking money out of his own pocket and giving it to a major corporate entity like, oh I don’t know, Lazarus-Macy’s.

Needless to say, the onus obviously falls on me to help the city of Pittsburgh compensate for what can only be described as stunning, if not breathtaking, incompetence. Clearly, the easiest way to expedite that process is through the use of obscene parking tickets!