6/13 - Redemption Earlier in the afternoon the following memo was mailed to one Mr. Bill Peduto.
"Dear Mr. Peduto:
We at Franktuary are dismayed to hear that the plan to have skyscraper-size posters of Marc-Andre Fleury and Sidney Crosby adorn the outer-walls of Fifth Avenue Place has been 'pooh-poohed' because of political 'drama.' We are confident that you feel similarly.
Therefore, we present through you, a chance for the City Council and, most importantly, Mayor Luke, to experience redemption. After all, if not redemption, what is a Franktuary for? Without further adieu, I give you the plan.
It's as simple as skyscraper-size posters of Franktuary co-founders Tim and Megan. Picture them this summer in the lofty place that Sidney and Marc-Andre should have been granted during the Stanley Cup Finals. July is National Hot Dog Month, you know. To avoid legal problems with the current billboard freeze, City Council can pronounce a temporary Hot Dog Holiday.
Instead of the Penguins logo, another recognizable Pittsburgh logo -that of Franktuary- will be prominently displayed on the Megan and Tim posters. The Reebok logo will be replaced by that of Boar's Head Delicatessen. The phrase 'Your Move.' will give way to 'Bun Nation Under God.'
We look forward to hearing from you soon as well as seeing ourselves in larger than life format in the very near future.
Respectfully your concerned citizen, Tim Tobitsch for Franktuary emailus@franktuary.com
PS: It is our understanding that you will not be running for mayor in the next election. We are sad, but we also understand. If you would like us to run as your "mayoral-puppets," we would consider it."
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6/06 One of my roommates is getting chickens to keep in our tiny urban backyard. Part of me is excited about free eggs. The other part of me believes that if our neighbors happen to like us right now it's not going to stay that way much longer. If it were my house I'd veto this one. Nonetheless, I am intrigued.
To the left of the future coop is a garden.
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5/29 - Photos Well, friends, it's story time.
Like so many others, I have a camera on my phone. In the years I have owned a phone with a camera I have probably taken less than 10 photos, excluding the more than 200 shots I have collected of the inside of my pants pocket.
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5/22 - Fifth Avenue Place Word in the Post-Gazette is that Mayor Luke and the city council find themselves in a spat over whether giant 40 foot by 85 foot posters of Sidney Crosby and Marc-Andre Fleury should be hung on the skyscraper walls of Fifth Avenue Place during the Stanley Cup Finals. These posters would have a Reebok logo and slogan on them. Interestingly enough, both parties are in favor of seeing the posters go up. Ironically, because of the scuffle no posters will be going up. Ahhh, there's nothing quite like the aroma of Pittsburgh politics in the air on a cool spring day!
Also, Mayor Luke is disappointed that he might not be able to take an all-expense paid trip to Detroit to see the Penguins play on the road. The poor guy has been able to go to games for free all season but, because of the ticket value of a finals game, he'd be breaking ethics rules by accepting a free pass to watch the Penguins right now. When the going gets "tough," apparently our mayor voices his grievances in the newspaper. After all, with a $98,000 salary he certainly can't afford to go to a game and support the city he governs on his own.
So, back to those posters. I've got an alternative plan. Why not giant 40 by 85 foot posters of Tim and Megan with the Franktuary logo and the phrase "Bun nation under God"? Luke, city council, this is your second chance.
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5/13 - Rare Air Hiya, Pittsburgh! Thanks for voting us the third best restaurant in the entire city. Read more in the upcoming issue of Pittsburgh Magazine!
Now, if only we were the third most profitable restaurant in the entire city!
4/25 - Skip Yesterday, while at a "Buccos" game, I learned the origination of the name "Skip." Apparently people from the "South" refer to you as "Skip" if you are named after your grandfather but not your father. So, if my grandfather was named "Frank F. Franktuary," my father went by "Brat B. Franktuary," and I was referred to as "Frank F. Franktuary II," I would also be affectionately known as "Skip."
You can be sure that if I had one child named "Skip," the other would be christened "Draw Two."
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4/23 - Polling Okay, so the sausage poll proved not to be an accurate predictor of how the state of Pennsylvania voted in the recently held democratic presidential primary. However, it is interesting to note that it was accurate within 2% of the actual vote in the 1st Ward of Pittsburgh, where Franktuary is located. The sausage poll recorded the Barackwurst as receiving 69.5% of the vote and the real Mr. Obama received 67.7% of votes cast in the first ward.
Clearly, if the democratic party takes the initiative to provide funding for Franktuarys to exist all over the nation, their politicians will no longer need to run expensive and combative campaigns. Instead, the party can simply encourage people everywhere to buy the sausage of their preference and go with the results. It's a foolproof system that makes at least as much sense as one that employs superdelegates bestowed with the ability to overrule the will of the American people. Plus, the sausage system is good for small business!
In other news, someone attempted to break into Franktuary last night. We now have a wooden board where a window used to be. Fortunately no harm beyond that.
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4/20 - Pittsburgh It seems only right that a city as overlooked and underrated as Pittsburgh gets to play such a significant role in our nation's political process. It's not every city that boasts being the official home of something as patriotic as the sausage poll, after all.
As the poll draws to a close the Barackwurst holds a commanding lead, 47-24, over the Hillbasa. With only one full day remaining prior to the Pennsylvania primary, Hillary supporters need to come out in force if there is to be any hope of her catching Barack in this snappy race.
But, you ask, what does it all mean? Well, for one, if Mr. Obama happens to win the state of Pennsylvania the sausage poll will prove to be the most accurate political predictor in all the land! Granted, he will almost definitely not win by a margin of two to one, but every other poll I've seen lists Mrs. Clinton as coming out on top in Pennsylvania. So, soon we'll know whether the sausage poll has merit. We already know that it has mustard!
Additional observations: The Obama campaign enthusiastically embraced the sausage poll concept, going so far as to feature Franktuary on pa.barackobama.com, while the Clinton campaign largely paid it no attention. As Franktuary is owned by two twenty-somethings this circumstance corroborates the widespread opinion that the Obama campaign is in touch with the youth of America while the Clinton campaign is focused on other demographic targets.
The big questions, of course, remain unanswered. That is to say, who will earn the right to try and take down the Hot McCainine??? Will Bob Barr force the creative minds at Franktuary to come up with a Libertarian sausage?? Does Ralph Nader even eat sausage? Stay tuned, people.
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4/16 - This Writing Tastes Funny MMMMMM. It's been a while, yes? Franktuary no so good at blogging anymore, eh? Franktuary still so good at the sausage cooking! Don't read, peoples, just taste! Peoples is peoples!
Last week, while incapacitated, I viewed the film "Muppets Take Manhattan." It sure is nice to be capacitated these days.
4/03 - We Have A Record! A new in-store-one-sitting record has been set for frankfurters consumed at Franktuary. Today Justin ate an entire Colossus --that's eight hot dogs featuring every condiment we offer, four servings of potato chips, and a platter full of spinach-- entirely on his own. Justin, if you're still alive, congratulations and happy birthday!
In other news, Barackwurst 14, Hillbasa 12.
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4/2 - Hillbasa Closing In In a late-afternoon surge, the Hillbasa has drawn to within one purchase of the Barackwurst, 12-11. Ever so briefly, things were tied.
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3/31 - Barackwurst Maintains Narrow Lead The Pennsylvania Sausage Poll is officially up and running. With 6.5% of precincts reporting the Barackwurst maintains its narrow three point lead.
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3/28 - Barackwurst Opens Three Point Lead Over Hillbasa
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3/28 - Barackwurst, Hillbasa Hit Franktuary Franktuary introduces its newest menu additions, the Barackwurst and the Hillbasa.
In a nod to Pennsylvania’s upcoming Democratic presidential primary the restaurant is offering two politically themed menu items as an innovative way of predicting the results of the actual vote, which will be held on April 22, 2008. On a weekly basis Franktuary will announce its poll results, based on the ratio of respective sausages sold, through the website sausagepoll.com.
The Barackwurst, featuring an array of patriotic condiments, is a half-link of knockwurst and a half-link of bratwurst served on two New England top-split rolls. Red grape tomatoes, creamy white horseradish sauce, and crumbled blue corn tortilla chips are drizzled over the two different wursts that have come together to support one cause.
The Hillbasa is a kielbasa split length-wise and served with nearly identical condiments, also on two top-split rolls. “Quite honestly,” reports Franktuary co-owner Tim Tobitsch, “the two products are strikingly similar. However, the Hillbasa does come with a mandated side of Bill pickles, while rumors persist that the Barackwurst is served with a side of whatever one hopes.” When asked about the overwhelming demand that may be created by the novelty menu items Tobitsch quipped, “We’re a very small restaurant, but better we sell out than the politicians.”
Both the Barackwurst and Hillbasa are presented with a running-mate (side order) and Pennsylvania Punch, a locally produced soft-drink from the Natrona Bottling Company, for $7.00. Customers can purchase a Rocky Road to the White House Cherry Sundae for an additional $5.00. Customers who wish to be patriotic while abstaining from meat may replace wursts or kielbasa with two veggie dogs.
At a later date, Franktuary promises to introduce another politically themed frankfurter, the Hot McCainine, to be served with a side of Bush’s Baked Beans. When asked whom it advocates as the United States’ next President, Franktuary refused to play favorites, citing allegiance only to America.
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3/10 - Musings Natrona Bottling Company delivered our first order of soda today. Bottled just last week, literally! Come try a Mint Julep today.
In other news, Franktuary is now featured in a webcom. It's called Something To Be Desired. What webcom means is that you don't need a TV to watch TV anymore! Give it a shot.
Lately I have been developing "intricate" graphs on scrap paper. They're very enlightening when it comes to such things as life and/or the food-service industry. I think sometime soon I might scan what I have developed, thanks to Pixma, and share on this blog.
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3/04 - Red Ribbon Beverages A new line of soda products is coming to Franktuary! Look forNatrona Bottling Company beverages to appear soon. The combination of a locally bottled product that uses quality ingredients has us pretty excited. Flavors will include Ginger Beer and Mint Julep!
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2/28 - My Friend Pixma Yesterday I bought a new printer. Its name is Pixma. The old printer broke. That is why I bought a new one. Pixma scans documents, which means having to keep less papers around. This makes me feel downright buoyant. If there is one thing I hate more than having to spend money to replace technology that has an unreasonably short life span and whose replacement part is absurdly expensive, it's having to keep papers on file for years at a time. Seeing Many Papers In Large File Cabinet = Feeling Queasy (On a Good Day). If it were up to me all papers not held together with a binding would be thrown away in a timely fashion. Pixma is my new best friend.
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2/21 - Memo from Franktuary
Please vote for Franktuary as Pittsburgh's Best Downtown Lunch Spot. Hit this link: http://www.wqed.org/mag/br and click on the text below the yellow chef's hat. You'll be taken to a survey. Click through 'til you see "Best Downtown Lunch Spot" and type Franktuary in the blank. We really really really appreciate your vote!!
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2/11 - Something Delicious Valentine's Day is approaching and that means free brownies for Franktuary customers!
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2/08 - Trading Places You know, I'm a sports fan. But these days it seems like trades rarely ever happen. Trades are a big part of why I like sports.
What if trades were a part of other professions? For example, I propose the trading of executives. Perhaps Michael Eisner and the year's top recruit from Harvard's business school for David Stern and a middle-level manager to be named later. I'm not sure how the money side of things would work, but I do know that this concept would add some spice into the world of business.
What if you could trade across professions?? Sidney Crosby for Barack Obama for Wolfgang Puck and a free-range chicken in a stunning three way deal! I sure hope Barack can skate and Sidney can cook! Wolfgang and his chicken, of course, could handle the politics without a problem. It's just that if he were to become president we'd have to be sure that the chicken was a United States citizen.
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1/30 - Soup is On!
Ironic, isn't it, that the "Soup Nazi," of Seinfeld fame, would open a restaurant in downtown Pittsburgh on the very same week that Franktuary begins serving homemade soups. And in the week preceding the S(o)uperBowl, no less. I smell a conspiracy, or maybe that's just the distinctive odor of lobster bisque wafting down Smithfield Street. It's hard to tell.
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1/28 - In Pittsburgh Here's a riddle for you!
How can one be in Pittsburgh, but out of Pittsburgh at the same time?
When Franktuary is out of pierogies (which hopefully won't happen often), of course!
That's right, Franktuary is pleased to announce the addition of "The Pittsburgh" to it's family of franks. Come on down and give it a whirl! With luck, we won't be out.
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1/17 - Hillary Clinton Is anyone else disturbed by the appearance of Hillary Clinton's eyes on the cover of the current issue of Newsweek? Those puppies have definitely been enhanced.
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1/15 - Steroids I read today that some prominent musicians have been linked to the purchase of illegal performance enhancing drugs, known as steroids. If this is the case they should never be allowed entry into the Baseball Hall of Fame.
They should also be made to compete head to head with athletes who have abused steroids in a mental math competition (we need a level playing field) to determine where the real talent lies. Free frankfurters to the winning team!
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1/14 - Taxes are Here! And once again, tax season is upon us. Actually tax "season" seems more like an infinite loop than a season to me. Only eight forms due this month! There has got to be a better way.
Hot dogs don't mix well with politics. It's a fact.
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1/09 - Forever! I have a "book" of forever stamps. The thing is this "book" is more like a single two sided page of stickers.
On one side there are twelve standard postage stamp sized forever stamps and on the other side there are another eight. Below the eight, is one particularly large peel-away stamp with a giant bell (the Liberty Bell!) and a barcode on it. In fact, it is exactly the size of four normal sized stamps. In the bottom left corner of this behemoth it reads "Twenty First-Class Stamps." More importantly, across the right border of the ol' colossus the word "FOREVER" is emblazoned.
Is it really unreasonable for me to expect that if I were to slap this mega-stamp onto an envelope I would have postage equal to twenty regular stamps (currently valued at $8.20) forever?
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1/08 - A Little Help? I don't know about you, but I could sure go for some fried chicken. Ahhh, memories.
Anybody out there want to strip and wax a tiled floor with a surface area of approximately 1080 square feet? I sure don't.
1/07 - Squawkers Macaw Come meet the newest member of the Franktuary team! You can't miss him, and he'd love to say hello. Squawkers Macaw, what a guy.
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1/03 - Off, but not quite running And so it is, 2008. Franktuary is once again open after a brief holiday respite.
Unfortunately, while we were gone a refrigerator broke. So, instead of kicking off the new year with menu additions we are kicking off the year with a limited menu, extensive inventory purging, and waiting for maintenance men.
In other news Coca-Cola has yet to remove the soda fountain. That has actually worked out well since for the time being we have no room to refrigerate the additional soups which are supposed to be served where the fountain currently stands. And, to wrap things up, this website has just now become accessible for updating for the first time since last year! Why? Why not.
12/21 - Until 2008 While there may be an additional update to this blog before the year's end, Franktuary will be closed. Franktuary will reopen on January 2, 2008. Have a Merry Christmas, and Give Franks!
PS: Are you in Pittsburgh over the holidays and disappointed that you won't have the chance to visit Franktuary??? If so, please consider supporting these other fine local establishments, which come highly recommended by Franktuary. As far as we know they will be open next week, although quite possibly with abbreviated hours.
Beleza Community Coffee House - 1501 Buena Vista Street, Mexican War Streets - If Franktuary were a coffee house it would consider Beleza a mentor. Gluuteny - 1923 Murray Avenue, Squirrel Hill - If Franktuary were a bakery it would aspire to be a lot like Gluuteny. D's SixPax & Dogz - 1118 S. Braddock Avenue, Regent Square - If you can't go to Franktuary this is THE best place to grab a hot dog in the 'Burgh. Same goes for the veggie dog. Also boasts a huge beer collection.
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12/19 - Jeff Miller Thanks to Ready, Set, Remember, I now know where the 51C bus route goes. It's as simple as remembering the letter "L" and then picturing a neck Tie. Life has never been so easy!
Now that I don't have the burden of struggling to remember stuff, my mind is free to focus on more important things, like washing dishes.
Stop by and visit sometime, won't you? We'll create wonderful memories that I'm now assured of never forgetting.
By the way, tomorrow, from 12 pm - 1:30 pm, there is a fellow named Jeff Miller playing original music at Franktuary. Ready, set, remember to stop by for a listen.
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12/18 - Ready, Set, Remember! Today I received a gift. It's a book called Ready, Set, Remember, published in 1978. I kid you not when I say that it teaches you multiplication in the following manner: To determine what 4x6 is, rather than adding together four groups of six, you simply remember that "Rye(x)SHoe=NeRo." As you can see, with this simple system, one can easily determine that the answer is 24. It may help to envision NeRo in a toga while playing the violin.
This book is now available to the general public, completely free of charge. You'll find it sitting on or near the Franktuary bookshelf. Think of all the things you've forgotten without it! Franktuary --making downtown Pittsburgh better one book at a time.
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12/17 - "Exciting News From Coca-Cola!" It came in the mail just today. Now, from one phone, I can place all my Coke orders for all my locations. How useful, considering I have but one phone and one location. I wonder if they've made the same offer to McDonald's. THAT would be something else.
Interestingly enough, this letter arrived only days before Franktuary's scheduled soda fountain removal. If corporate Coca-Cola only knew.
The bottom line is that Coke has made its minimum orders large enough that it's no longer practical for a restaurant of Franktuary's size to sell fountain beverages. Rather than extending itself to accomodate "the (fountain) man," Franktuary is simply hoping that customers have been visiting it for reasons not related to culturally omnipresent soft drinks in the first place.
If you have been coming just for the pop*, I have to say, that's pretty weird. Nonetheless, I've been known to have a quirk or four, so if that is the case I can relate. That's why we'll continue to have a dazzling array of carbonated beverages well stocked in our cooler at all times.
While on the subject of digestible liquid I should note that in 2008 we will be expanding and improving our soup selection. After all, something has to go where the fountain once stood.
*I'm from New Jersey, where we say soda. Writing the "word" pop actually made me cringe.
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12/14 - Gluuteny You know, I've been thinking. In my three years of owning a business I have never had the experience of recalling a product. With all the recalls I read about I feel left out. I'm thinking about recalling all t-shirts sold between March 8th and May 15th of 2007, just "because."
There's a place in Squirrel Hill that recalls all the gluten from its products before it ever sells them. In other words, it's a bakery that is entirely gluten free. What's more incredible is that this bakery, Gluuteny, also boasts products that are 100% casein free. What's still more impressive is the fact that somehow, even without these traditional ingredients, this bakery is better than any other bakery I've visited in Pittsburgh. Perhaps not as amazing but no less important is the staff at Gluuteny, who are collectively courteous, friendly, and generous.
Of course, I've recently discovered that my body has a problem with gluten. Ergo it's possible I'm not being entirely impartial. To that I echo the recent statement of one George Mitchell, "Judge me by my work." That is to say, visit this website, then head out to Murray Avenue and buy a brownie. You will not be disappointed.
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12/12 - Gluten Free What do you call someone who keeps a gluten free diet half of the time?
Glufive free, of course!
Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all night.
If you were at a laundromat and you noticed a washing machine that was also a slot machine, would you be excited about paying to do laundry??? More on this brilliant thought tomorrow.
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12/12- Time Flies When You Have A Brownie Unfortunately, I do not have one of those right now. The holidays can make for slow lunch times in downtown Pittsburgh. It's a good thing I had soup for dinner last night.
These disjointed thoughts brought to you by Franktuary, where our frankfurters are more inspirational than our writing.
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12/11 - And We're Back After extended technical difficulties, I might add. Well, even when this blog isn't updated, it's safe to assume that Franktuary is still downtown, still open, and still delicious. Of course, you probably know that already.
Here's something you might not know. We'll be closed the entire week where Christmas falls this year. As they say, "Don't hate, congratulate." Tis the season, after all.
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12/03 - Redundant or Not? Owning both a pot holder AND a long sleeve shirt.
Yesterday, I quite literally almost slipped on my own banana peel. Ah, the hazards of good health are manifold.
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11/28 - The Things we Learn in School So, if a a fat man and a squirrel were to share a see-saw, how many nuts would the portly fellow have to throw the rodent for things to be in balance?? Life is full of hypotheticals and sometimes it's healthy to consider them.
Yesterday I was invited to join an "allumni" group for my high school. Makes me so proud. Hypothetically, "allumni" would be a great term if put to use by a culinary student when referring to his alma mater. Only if, of course, the English language took to pronouncing the double "L" as the Spanish language serves it up. "A-yum-ni." Hot and fresh.
In my opinion, sentence fragments are superior to misspellings in every way, but the frankfurter trumps them both.
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11/27 - Welcome Back "Okay, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step away from the turkey." I said, "step away from the turkey!"
The other day a gentleman gave me a sample of coffee and told me it went "beyond fair trade."
I'm not sure what to think, because, as I envision it, fairness is like a see-saw. When things are fair the see-saw is perfectly balanced. When things are unfair the see-saw has a fat man on one end and a squirrel on the other. For things to go beyond fair, the squirrel would have to figure out a way to catapult the fat man high into the air as he shot off the rising end of our figurative tipping point.
So, what I'm trying to say is that if coffee goes beyond fair-trade, doesn't that meant that I, as the buyer, am being taken for a ride?
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11/21 - The Great Black and Gold Way
Okay, Pittsburgh, carpe diem. It's time to establish yourself as the nation's foremost Holiday Season tourist destination.
Why? Because in Pittsburgh there's a fully functional Cultural District where, to my knowledge, no one is on strike. There's authentic winter weather. There's animatronic story-telling in the windows of a famous department store. There's even an outdoor skating rink amidst famous sky scrapers. The only essential missing item is an outrageously large tree, and to make up for that there are free horse-drawn carriage rides on weekends.
While theater people in New York are bickering and tourists are missing out, theater people in this city should be proclaiming Pittsburgh as the new spot for must-travel-to productions.
That's what I say, anyway. After all, if a certain city can't best another one in football, it should try its hand at a different game.
As far as I know, the Radio CIty Christmas Spectacular is still going, but that shouldn't stop Heinz Hall from producing its own alternative production, complete with "Stonettes."
11/19 - The Holidays Happy Thanksgiving! I've just had some turkey meatballs, in advance. Also, we'll be closed Thursday and Friday, for obvious reasons. On Friday, try not to buy anything, will you?
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11/12 - Woman of Franktuary
That would be a nice title for a calendar, don't you think?
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11/08 - Busyness as Usual
It's been a while hasn't it? That's because I've been using the pot, the Neti Pot that is. Well, that's not entirely why.
I've been busy. More on that later. Right now the important thing for you to know is that while I've been busy I've been thinking.
This thinking has culminated with the realization that though nudist colonies exist it is entirely impossible, by the very nature of the word, to form an "underwear colony."
More epiphanies should be on their way because I'll be busy all weekend. That is to say Franktuary will be providing sustenance at the Handmade Arcade.
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10/30 - For One Day Only! The Nectar Protector returns tomorrow.
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10/25 - Franktuary is 3! Franktuary turned 3 years old today. Perhaps there will be a late celebration. Its parents have mistakenly overlooked the occasion. Please forgive them. In fact, help stop the neglect by stopping by to celebrate!
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10/22 - Churning It is better to have one's brain churning than one's stomach. That's all I've got. That's because my stomach is churning, and my brain is most definitely not. Working on that...
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10/15 - Survey Time What do you think of our soda fountain? What do you think of homemade soup? These are questions to ponder, folks. Ponder them more by taking this survey.
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10/09 - The Letter "Z" Around the corner from us there is a restaurant that just opened called "Dumplinz." Down the street from "Dumplinz" there is a place called "Fadz," opening soon. Personally I think spelling something so that it ends in "z" when it's not supposed to is rather tacky.
Rest assured we won't become "Fraktuarz" any time soon.
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10/01 - October! Welcome to October, readers. It's the month where hockey begins and Mets fans cry.
At any rate, here's a thought for you. Perhaps we should consider naming our children after the supplements and prescription medications we take. After all, without such things we might not be healthy enough to have children at all.
In my case, were I to have a son in the near future he would be named Saccharomyces Boulardii. You could just call him "Sac."
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9/25 - Additions How many people out there like moving? If you do, there's one thing we don't have in common.
I am in the process of moving right now. As a result of space constraints related to this move there will soon be some new additions to the Franktuary team:
1) A Microwave - but we promise never to microwave your food. 2) A Big File Cabinet - but we promise never to file your food. 3) A Printer - but we promise never to print anything on your food!
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9/20 - Musings
When sending money to Coca-Cola, one must direct his payment to "Paysphere Circle," of Chicago, Illinois. Something is amusing about that.
A wise woman got me thinking last night. Which has more answers, The Internet or The Bible??
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9/17 - Historic Preservation Taxes are in the mail and we are feeling well today! If you've visited Franktuary recently, you may have noticed the lack of air conditioning. While not a permanent change (we hope), it's worth mentioning because the AC broke as a result of the cleaning of the outside of the building we are housed in.
Trinity Cathedral is undergoing a complete face lift in that the building is being restored to its original 1870 sandstone color. This week the crew begins work on the side of the building where Franktuary's entrance is located. Despite this fact our doors remain open! So come on down, there's nothing quite like a side of construction to go with your frank.
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9/10 - Spoke Too Soon Well, so much for more regular, folks. I'll continue to update as I can. The Roethlisfurter has returned!
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9/06 - Questions of the Day What will tomorrow be like? Will we have air conditioning? Will a freezer refrain from breaking?
Find out tomorrow as we present the exciting conclusion of Franktuary: Week 149, featuring Brad Yoder.
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9/4 - Critical Mass Here in Pittsburgh, you hear about an event called Critical Mass fairly regularly. On the last Friday evening of each month cyclists from around the city converge to form one humongous wall of pedaling power. When I first heard about the concept, I was intrigued. However, once I thought about it I felt differently.
By its very nature a CM ride sounds like tons of fun if you're someone who enjoys cycling. The camaradarie, the cool breezes, the power... it all sounds great. Honestly, I'd like to participate sometime, but I'm too aware that the public road system is a tool for transportation as opposed to my personal playground.
You see, the trouble is that if you're a motorist CM doesn't sound great at all. I've seen more than one ride cause all of Penn Avenue, outside of my apartment, to be completely blocked off so that no car can pass. From behind the wheel, this has to be frustrating. These riders travel well below the speed limit and, whether or not the cyclist is prone to admit it, people in motorized vehicles may have important places to go. Furthermore, a driver cannot reasonably anticipate and plan for several hundred cyclists to cause him to be delayed.
Now comes news that this past Friday a motorist actually intentionally hit a cyclist during a CM ride. She was probably completely innocent as an individual, but as part of a larger body she was almost definitely creating a significant traffic jam. Of course, this in no way justifies the actions of someone in a car who chooses to strike someone on a bicycle. With increasing frequency I hear about cyclist versus motorist conflict in Pittsburgh and I plead with both parties to use common sense and share the road.
As someone who considers himself both a motorist and a cyclist what I know is this. It scares the living pants off me when I'm on my bike and an overzealous bus driver appears to swerve intentionally toward me for no other reason than to send a message as he passes by. It also frustrates the living pants right back onto me when I'm in my car and I'm stuck in traffic for no good reason. Traffic jams are part of life, but there's no need to create more than what we already deal with by way of accidents and construction.
In closing, when traveling below the speed limit, no matter in how great a number, always attempt to allow room for faster vehicles to pass. Additionally, under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to attempt to make contact with another moving object on the road. It's that simple.
I'm now stepping off my soap box. Thank you.
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8/29 - How 'bout that? Heeeelllloooo downtown Pittsburgh! Today you ate lunch. You ate lunch early and you ate lunch often. Keep up the good work, folks.
Well, football season is almost upon us. Chances are that means a whole lot more to you than it does to me, a transplant who just can't get excited about Pittsburgh's favorite obsession. You know, I'm an avid fan of some sports, but that gridiron game... I'll never understand what all the fuss is about. I don't dislike it, mind you. It's more about how the HYPE IS WAY UP HERE and the product is way down here.
What little it does mean to me is rather important, though. It means that the Roethlisfurter and the Palu(malu)nesian should be surfacing soon. It also means school is starting. Never a pleasant thing in my book, but something that might admittedly be of some importance.
8/24 - Regularity Another week is behind us, folks. Wheeeweeee! I'm sorry I'm not updating this everyday. Consider this my summer vacation. Come September, things will hopefully be more regular. If you know me well you appreciate the double meaning of that statement.
In other news, look for our next monthly newsletter soon. The theme will be fame. If you're not on our mailing list and want to be, you have a problem, don't you? Here's how to fix it. Write to emailus@franktuary.com, and give us your address.
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8/21 - Pets and Their Owners Today I learned that my cat has an autoimmune disorder that causes her cornea to be inflamed. Now she has to have a topical steroid applied twice a day, with remission of her symptoms as the goal. About a month ago I learned that I have an autoimmune disorder that is causing my cornea to be inflamed. For months I have been using a topical steroid multiple times a day, with remission of my symptoms as the goal.
If this doesn't convince you that pets and their owners share similar traits I don't know what will!
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8/17 - Two Spectacles for the Price of One! Last night the band "Styx" played live music amidst fireworks after the "baseball" game at PNC Park. It was quite the spectacle.
I put "Styx" in quotations because I know nothing about them other than that they're very famous and they sing a song called "Mr. Roboto." Oddly enough, they skipped over that one last night. I put "baseball" in quotations because, well, this is Pittsburgh. Oddly enough, the Pirates won.
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8/13 - The Interns Have Ended Today is International Left-Hander's Day. Take your favorite "southpaw" to dinner! Better yet, celebrate late with lunch tomorrow at Franktuary!
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8/08 - A Fourth Shake I think Franktuary may offer a new fruit shake flavor, starting next week. Call it "Purple."
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8/02 - 50% of 1/2 Earlier this week someone told me that "50% of the time half the people (in his office) aren't there." I find that amusing.
This morning I had probiotic water buffalo milk yogurt for breakfast. I find that amusing too.
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7/30 - Back I'm back, folks. I've been out of action for a bit. Remember, even if posting here is erratic, Franktuary is still open!
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7/24 - Ownership I am now the proud owner of a duct tape wallet.
If you visit Franktuary, you can be the proud owner of some Taco Bell Hot Sauce packets. They were once a gift and now they are available by our other self-serve condiments.
For those of you have missed my business partner, she'll be back tomorrow. She's spent today working with some food stylists and photographers. Unlike hot sauce packets, you can't take her home, but you can say hello!
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7/23 - Swinging It's been one of those days, you know? Earlier I caught someone trying to steal from my store and just now I've come home to find a hefty parking ticket on the windshield of my car, which is parked, as it has been for over a year, in front of my apartment. Hopefully all the bad stuff is getting itself out of the way early in the week.
Yesterday, however, was a different story. Yesterday I went hiking and it was great. It's as if I'm on a pendulum, swinging back and forth. As long as I don't fall off I should be in good shape!
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7/20 - Happy Harry Day Tomorrow, that is.
If you don't like Harry Potter, here are some other ways to spend your time in Pittsburgh this weekend...
1) Attend the hot dog eating competition at the Station Street Hot Dog and Sandwich Shop in East Liberty. Consumption begins at 1 pm. 2) Fill your colonoscopy preparation prescription, if you have one. 3) Buy some cheese at the Pennsylvania Macaroni Company.
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7/19 - Holes No More Never again will there be holes in the Franktuary floor, hopefully. The area in question has been plugged and cemented over. The best part, however, is the creative finishing touch that avods having to lay four new tiles down.
7/18 - Back So Soon Okay, folks, I'm back. Just thought you'd like to know. New Jersey says "hi."
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7/11 - Army of Estrogen Today someone looked into the window of my store (while I wasn't there) and dubbed it an "army of estrogen." I know this because I happened to be walking on the street as he made his comment. His observation will especially hold true over the next few days because, as previously mentioned, I will be massaging my heritage in New Jersey.
Depending on your personality, this could be either a wonderful or terrifying thing. Regardless, I think you should experience the "army" first-hand. The show runs this Thursday, Friday, and Monday from 8:30 am to 5:00 pm. Four women behind one counter, with only Drew, the floor mopper, to stand in their way. I'm sorry I'm going to miss it.
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7/10 - Out of Office Reply I'll be watering my roots from Thursday until Monday. That means that after tomorrow you probably won't see any new text in this space until July 17.
How will you cope? I have the feeling a delicious fruit shake on Friday afternoon may be just what the doctor ordered!
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7/09 - Inventory It's inventory adjustment time at Franktuary and it is in that spirit that I pass onto you this special math challenge!
If there are 32 sleeves of 16 ounce cups in the back room, 6 sleeves in the front room, 37 sleeves of frankfurters in the kitchen, and 39.5 packages of veggie dogs in both rooms combined, in what month's file folder are you most likely to locate all the appropriate receipts thereby saving you time, if not money???*
7/05 - Fireworks As a little boy who grew up in New Jersey, I recall it being a rather big deal when my aunt visited around the 4th of July. That's because she lived in Pennsylvania and she would bring fireworks, illegal to purchase in the Garden State, for us to set off in our driveway.
Today I live in the Keystone Commonwealth, in a town most people like to call Pittsburgh. My friends who grew up in the region insist that they routinely traveled to Ohio during their childhood in order to purchase play explosives, which are illegal in Pennsylvania.
Oddly enough, I have a roommate who has a brother with a young family in the Buckeye State. They drive to Indiana to purchase their Roman candles.
Theory posed: One cannot legally purchase pyrotechnics in the state which one also possesses a valid driver's license.
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7/3 - The Fourth of July
Happy Independence Day! Enjoy that day off. I know I will.
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9, 10, 11, 210! That's the way my business partner counts?
The real counting question, of course, is whether one can fit an entire Franktuary in approximately 260 square feet.
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6/28 - Good News! Tomorrow will be here before you know it, and when it arrives you can have a small fruit shake, in place of a soft drink, at no additional cost with every combo you purchase!
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6/27 - Touching Up Some of you may have noticed unique activity all around Franktuary in recent weeks.
Third, if you see the architectural preservationists in the cemetery say "hello," they're good people.
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6/26 - Customer Appreciation Week It's customer appreciation week at Franktuary. Come and visit us. We've got great promotions running all week long. If you were a subscriber to our mailing list, you would know this already. Unless, of course, you're one of several subscribers who never received this month's newsletter for no apparent reason. Ahhhh, the wonders of technology!
Anyway, tomorrow's lunch comes with a free massage as well as chip orders that are double their normal size. No kidding! Thursday and Friday promise to be special as well. You can read all about the unbelievable things in store for you on those days when you visit us for lunch tomorrow!
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6/25 - Love Franktuary is in love with iheartpgh.com. That's because the webmaster of the aforementioned site plugged us extensively on Friday's edition of the WDVE morning show. Truth be told we liked her before she did that.
Anyway, if you like Franktuary, do us a favor and go check out iheartpgh.com. Even if you don't like Franktuary, check out iheartpgh.com. You might find something you DO like.
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6/21 - Life, As It Were So. Enough about me. The other day after closing time some gentlemen walked into my building. As they tried to go upstairs I intercepted them. "This building closes at 5," I said, "and you can't smoke in here."
One man turned to me and replied that he was willing to leave, but that he didn't appreciate my accusation that he was smoking. As he said this he waved a lit cigarette in his hand.
As I pointed to the incendiary clutched between his right index and middle fingers a look of shock came across his face. Before I could say anything else he ran out the door.
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6/20 - Of a Personal Nature I'm not sure this is appropriate to share with the world, but I'm throwing caution to the wind.
I have an injury of a personal nature. No sense beating around the bush.
For about the past two years I have had a sore left groin. It comes and goes. Occasionally I get up from a seat and nearly fall over because my leg isn't being supported in the aforementioned personal region. Then, after a few steps, I'm good to go.
The pain has come back with a vengeance of late, which causes me to think somehow it is exacerbated by warm weather. Yesterday it was raining and, as I attempted to run to my vehicle, I was dismayed to discover that the best I could muster was a "funky gallop."
Why am I sharing this problem with you, in this space? Simply because I know not what else to do.
I originally strained the area in 2005. I seemed to recover within weeks. However, the problem mysteriously resurfaced in the spring of 2006 and has decided to linger. I have no idea what triggers this aggravation. At times I play games like hockey or ultimate frisbee, but I have done no such thing in over 6 months. Given that, I can only assume standing a lot is partially responsible for my dilemma.
I can't very well serve frankfurters in a prone position, now, can I? Nosiree.
So, reader, I seek advice from you. Help me help you receive food more quickly. After all, your input could lead directly to the rejuvenation of my nether region.
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6/19 - Sales Tax is Due Guess what? Sales tax is due tomorrow!
Sales tax is not a bad concept. As far as taxes go, it's one of my favorites.
Nonetheless, every month I collect money for the government and hand it over, free of charge. Literally, on days when I make a payment, I spend part of my work day as what amounts to a government volunteer. If I pay late I get to pay extra fees. That's okay with me, really, it is.
It's just that if the situation were reversed, do you really believe the picture would be symmetrical?
I don't, not for one moment.
After all, if an individual is owed money after filing his taxes, does he receive a check from the government with interest included? Certainly not! You can bet that if you make a late tax payment you'll be paying interest to Uncle Sam. Ergo, I'm certain that if for some reason Uncle Sam decided to collect money on my behalf he'd demand to take a cut.
6/18 - To Each His Own I just got back from the driving range. Grip it and rip it! That's what "they" say at places like "that."
I first played golf over ten years ago, and it took me nearly the first two years of my "career" to be able to consistently hit the ball in the air.
Some things come more easily to certain individuals than they do to others. Let's see Mr. Cabrera or Mr. Woods make a Colossus!
Not sure what a Colossus is? Well friend, ask your friendly Franktuary staff member, conveniently located at 325 Oliver Avenue! But don't ask here, don't ask now. There are just some things that typeface can't do justice.
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6/15 - Pirates So here I sit, having just returned from a "Buccos" game, and, believe it or not, our heroes won. I'm not sure I've ever witnessed that before.
Since, deep down, I'm a Yankees fan that's really not why I'm writing this post.
Instead, I'm writing because tonight it occurred to me that the Pittsburgh Pirates were my host . For that matter, any time I attend any professional "sporting" event the home team is my "host."
So, shouldn't the boys in the dugout clean the bathrooms as well as clean up the general debris left around the stadium after a game? I mean it is "their house" after all. I clean my house and its bathroom(s) after guest(s) are over. I suppose people in the income bracket of professional athletes typically hire "maid(s)," but a good thought nonetheless.
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6/13 - Things to Do Here we are on a Wednesday in June. What do we do on a Wednesday in June? We eat frankfurters, of course. Try it at Franktuary sometime soon!
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6/12 - Newsweek Today some arguably famous people dined in Franktuary for lunch. You should be able to read about them in Newsweek next week.
A special prize goes to the first person to correctly identify the article that features today's mystery guests. (Hint: It's not our interns.)
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6/11 - The Interns Have Landed The other day it occurred to me that the word "TIPS" is "SPIT" backwards. It seems to me that establishments with translucent tip jars need to be very, very careful.
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6/08 - Thought of the Day If one must have a certain medical procedure that forces one to remain seated in a very special place for most of 24 hours it is a good idea to have said procedure performed in the immediate wake of the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows.
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6/07 - Read This! Someday, when I write my book, The Vegetarian Epidemic, it will include a chapter entitled "Margarine of Error."
Despite the working title, I have no "beef" with vegetarians (in their presence I prefer tofu). In fact, I think I understand where they're coming from quite well. How can this be? Well, you'll just have to read the book and find out. It will be positively groundbreaking. Look for it in stores sometime next decade.
In the meantime, read this (over and over and over again).
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6/06 - Wipers On, Lights On! Just yesterday I saw a ticket tucked under a windshield wiper that sat slightly askew. This sight prompted me to wonder what might happen if one removed the windshield wipers from one's car each and every time one parked at a metered space.
Perhaps the folks we affectionately refer to as meter maids would feel compelled to wedge a ticket into a door handle, grill, or other unconventional space on an offending, but wiperless, vehicle. Let's suppose for a moment that this is exactly what would occur. Is it fair to assume that a driver should know to look for a ticket someplace other than his windshield? I think not.
Perhaps when explaining himself to a judge the accused driver should also point out that had he left his wipers on his car in the first place, thereby avoiding all the confusion, he would have been forced to leave the headlights of his vehicle on while it was parked. If he wanted to avoid a dead battery the removal of his windshield wipers was not only prudent, but necessary. After all, it's the law.
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6/5 - Restaurant Depot In a matter of moments I will depart for a place known as Restaurant Depot. Know that while I'm there I'll have you in mind.
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6/01 - That's The Way The Small Intestine Grumbles Yesterday I got very, very wet. Today I am wearing alternate sneakers.
5/31 - Numbers Don't Lie And we're back after a slightly extended pause. Today's entry, in three stanzas, is dedicated to numbers.
1) Why is it that when I type the phrase "Feb 07" into a specific worksheet in Microsoft Excel and then strike the enter key that very same cell reads "39,120"? This really happens. I don't understand. The cell in question is not linked to anything else.
2) According to the inscription on the 16th Street Bridge, it was built in MDCCCCXXIII.
3) (Word Problem - Interdisciplinary): If Tim leaves his house on his bike at 8:19 am and Megan starts walking to the bus stop at 7:36 am, which proprietor will have the coffee ready for John by 8:31am? How much will John be charged for said caffeinated beverage? Please include State and Local Sales Tax in your answer.
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5/25 - Memorial Day Happy Memorial Day to you! That's a funny phrase, because Memorial Day doesn't have much validity if it doesn't have somewhat of a somber element to it. Not to say we shouldn't enjoy our freedom by firing up the ol' grill, but, you know.
Anyway the grills at Franktuary will not be firing up this Monday, so please don't come then. Come every other day of the week instead!
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5/24 - Nutritional Yeast Big appointment tomorrow. More on that later. For now, savor the thought of nutritional yeast as a popcorn topping! It's a growing trend!
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5/23 - Tulsa Some people from an organization in Tulsa, Oklahoma, hometown of the parents of business partner # 1, just came through town. Specifically they are college folk. Now, I've never been to Oklahoma, but as far as I can tell there are fine people in that state.
Basically, these students have a leader who knows where they're going. As for the rest of them, they have not a clue. They left Tulsa about a week ago and so far have been to Chicago, Montreal, Quebec, and Pittsburgh. They stay for an undisclosed period of time with the sole objective of helping people wherever they are. Today they helped Franktuary! It's a novel idea, I think.
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5/21 - Things to Do On Saturday I went to a roller derby match. It's a pretty good time. I recommend the experience. Today I turned 26. It's better than not turning 26. I recommend the experience.
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5/18 - Bike Week Unbeknown to me until today, we are in the homestretch of National Bike to Work Week. I suppose it doesn't matter much, because in the world of Tim every week is bike to work week.
Ironically, the parking garage across the street from my store is full today. How about that?
I recall being in Japan and riding a bike to a train station, then getting off the train and walking into a giant bike garage. From there I would take another bike to my destination. It was splendid.
Perhaps what this country needs is bike garages. Okay, thanks (for reading).
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